False Positive Labs Grifter's Glossary
For the freshly deluded, the spiritually bankrupt, and anyone trapped in a Slack channel called #growth-hacking.
Welcome, You Glorious Masochist.
If you’ve ever sat in a pitch meeting nodding like a bobblehead while someone threw out terms like “CAC-to-LTV ratio” or “token-gated D2C activations,” this glossary is your salvation—or at least your flotation device in the cesspool of startup lingo.
I’m Riggs, your guide through the alphabetic swamp of tech-bro babble, scammer code, and VC-approved word salad. Don’t worry, I’ve stripped out the nuance and replaced it with bile, caffeine, and deeply-felt contempt.
Learn it. Use it. Weaponize it. Or tattoo it on your lower back so you look like a budget incubator. Nothing says “success” like a dude with a tramp-stamp.
Let’s begin.
A
AI – Artificial Intelligence –
A bunch of autocomplete engines stitched together and sold to you as salvation. Mostly used to generate content, code, or alibis.
Aspen Ideas Festival –
A high-altitude networking event where thought leaders gather to sip sponsored espresso and pretend that panel discussions can solve global inequality. Often mistaken for policymaking, but mostly serves as a luxury performance of concern.
Ayahuasca –
A potent Amazonian hallucinogenic brew, traditionally used for spiritual insight and projectile vomiting. In startup circles, it's a rite of passage where founders travel to Peru to throw up into the jungle and return claiming they've pivoted spiritually (and also their business model). Frequently results in a medium post and a failed wellness app.
B
Beta –
Beta is the “pre-release version”. Your product, your audience, and your entire personality until someone funds it. “It’s still in beta” = “It doesn’t work.”
Burn Rate –
How fast your startup cash evaporates. Usually faster when you start buying “team-building experiences” in Tulum. (See the Griftopedia Weekly article for more information)
C
CAC – Customer Acquisition Cost.
How much you're hemorrhaging to convince someone to buy your shit once. Generally higher than your LTV (see below), which is why you’re broke.
Cap Table (Capitalization Table) –
A tragicomic ledger of equity ownership in a startup. Lists founders, investors, and employees alongside their shares, vesting schedules, and silent resentment. Used by VCs to calculate how much control to seize and by founders to realize they now own less than the office kombucha machine.
Convertible Note –
A startup IOU disguised as an “investment.” Lends you money now, converts into equity later — usually when everyone’s too busy celebrating to notice how much they gave away (and how little it’s worth now!)
Crypto (Cryptocurrency) –
A digital asset class (i.e. fake “money”), pyramid scheme, lifestyle brand, and ideology masquerading as financial liberation. Loved by libertarians, rug-pullers, and anyone who thinks “decentralized” means “no consequences.” Often explained using metaphors involving trustless systems, blockchains, and the word “immutable,” usually right before someone loses their savings.
D
D2C – Direct-to-Consumer –
Means cutting out the middleman and losing money faster on Instagram ads. Usually involves skin cream, mushroom powders, or vibrating toothbrushes.
DAO – Decentralized Autonomous Organization.
Running an org with an algorithm, or more accurately, a group chat with a wallet, usually run by two guys named Chet who will disappear with your funds by Q3. Also sometimes referred to as DAC (Decentralized Autonomous Corporation). (Don’t blame us, we got this from Wikipedia.)
Debt Servicing –
The sacred ritual of throwing money into a financial volcano to appease your creditors. Often mistaken for “making progress,” debt servicing is the art of paying just enough interest to avoid default—forever. Also known as treadmill finance, or financial necromancy if your loan balance somehow increases despite monthly sacrifices.
Digital Marginalization —-
The systemic exclusion of individuals or communities from the benefits of digital technology, usually due to lack of access, infrastructure, or algorithmic favor. Commonly used in grant applications to justify expensive software licenses and founder salaries
Disruption –
The holy word. Means doing something dumber than before but with more funding. Tech-bro go-to in investor presentations. Refers to the act of obliterating functional systems and calling it progress. Often confused with “innovation,” but typically just means “we made it worse, but with an app.” See: Uber for Cats.
Digital Asset Arbitrage –
The art of profiting from temporary pricing differences in unstable and mostly imaginary currencies. Involves moving tokens from one sketchy platform to another slightly sketchier one. If done well, it’s called “smart trading.” If not, it’s called “testimony.”
Due Diligence —
A ceremonial process in which one pretends to research, verify, or evaluate a business, investment, or partnership before throwing money into it like a birthday piñata full of lawsuits.
In traditional finance, due diligence involves reviewing financial statements, legal risks, and actual facts. In startup culture, it means speed-scrolling a pitch deck on your phone while waiting for your third oatmilk cortado.
Variations:
Performing due diligence: Clicking on someone's LinkedIn and deciding they “seem legit.”
Skimping on due diligence: The national sport of Web3.
Waiving due diligence: Bold move, Cotton.
Real-world usage:
“We performed extensive due diligence.” (Translation: We talked to one guy at WeWork and really liked his vibe.)
E
Earnest –
A clever way for corporate acquirers to avoid paying you anything upfront. Typically structured as “performance-based” post-acquisition payments, earnouts hinge on vague metrics like “synergy realization” or “vibe alignment.” Translation: you’ll never see that money, but you will be contractually obligated to attend Monday morning standups for the next 18 month
Evangelist –
A culty term for “unpaid marketing intern.” Bonus points if they have a startup tattoo.
Exit Strategy –
What you pretend to have while secretly hoping Google acquires you out of pity. Also known as how to bail out before final impact.
Pro tip: If your pitch deck says “we’re not focused on exit,” you’re probably about to get ghosted by investors.
F
F –
Take a wild guess what this means. Often used in board meetings and after performance evaluation. Here’s a hint… “What the F—?!!”
Finfluencer –
A self-anointed finance guru who monetizes vibes, jargon, and misapplied Excel formulas on social media. Often lacks credentials but compensates with ring lights and affiliate links. May offer “investment advice” with a disclaimer written in 3-point font and a Venmo handle in their bio. A spiritual cousin of the televangelist—minus the tax exemption.
Freelancer –
A worker who is technically independent but often lacks job security, benefits, and predictable income.
G
Gary Vee –
Supervillain name of Gary Vaynerchuk. Hyperactive hustle-guru who yells at broke people to “crush it” while selling motivational napalm. Built an empire on wine, content, and sleepless desperation. Human LinkedIn post.
Gig Economy –
A labor market characterized by short-term, flexible, and freelance jobs, often with low pay and no benefits, disguised as freedom.
GP (General Partner) —
A fancy title for someone at a venture firm who gets to play God with other people’s money. Known for wearing Patagonia vests, interrupting founders mid-sentence, and claiming “we’re founder-first” seconds before ghosting you.
Greedwashing —
The act of rebranding naked self-interest as “market-driven social impact.” Common tactics include vague mission statements, tearful TEDx talks, and graphs with no Y-axis. See also: photo ops with orphans, executive bonuses tied to “doing better,” and press releases that say “equitable” but mean “exploitative.” (see related Griftopedia article.)
Greenwashing —
An eco-conscious branding maneuver in which a company spends more on looking sustainable than on actually being sustainable. Favorite tools include green logos, recycled buzzwords, and net-zero pledges that mature the same year your student loans are forgiven—i.e., never. Popular among oil companies, airlines, and anyone with a biodegradable soul.
Growth Potential —
A vague and overused term referring to the perceived ability of a person, team, or company to improve or expand. In the grift world, it's often used to mask the lack of actual progress, serving as a catch-all excuse for future success that may never materialize.
H
Human Capital –
The polite term for people when you want to talk about them like inventory. In business and economics, it means your skills, labor, and emotional availability—plus your LinkedIn photo—are assets to be leveraged. Commonly deployed in pitch decks and layoffs. If you bleed, you lead… the next downsizing wave.
Human Resources (HR) –
The department that exists to protect the company from you, not the other way around. Known for mediating disputes with the emotional intelligence of a fax machine and conducting exit interviews they’ll never read. Also manages compliance trainings and morale-destroying surveys. Their motto: “We hear you. We’ll circle back.”
Hustle –
The religion of the broke-but-ambitious. Also known as “working all the time for no equity while following Gary Vee.”
I
Illiquid NFT –
A “non-fungible token” that’s theoretically worth six figures and actually worth nothing. Illiquidity occurs when no one wants to buy your JPEG of a pixelated sloth riding a tank—even for gas fees. Often described by owners as “long-term cultural stores of value,” “future-proof assets,” or “learning experiences.” (See also NFT – Non-Fungible Token.)
Imposter Syndrome –
The persistent feeling that you are a fraud and don’t deserve your achievements or success, often despite evidence to the contrary. Commonly felt by individuals who fear being 'found out' as incompetent, despite their accomplishments.
IPO – Initial Public Offering –
When your private disaster becomes a public disaster. See also: WeWork, Uber, any SPAC involving a yacht photo.
IRL – In Real Life –
Where your fake business falls apart.
J
Once we get a slow day in the editorial and subpoena response department, we’ll add some entries here, like “Jump Bail” or “Smoke youreself a J…”.
K
KPI – Key Performance Indicator –
Numbers your boss makes up so you can fail in quantifiable ways.
Ketamine –
A horse tranquilizer turned trendy therapy drug turned executive-level coping mechanism. Often inhaled between rounds of pitching your third AI startup.
Ketogenic –
Originally a high-fat, low-carb diet used to manage epilepsy. Now a mandatory lifestyle brand for tech bros, VC influencers, and crypto execs who confuse metabolic ketosis with moral superiority.
See also: “bulletproof coffee,” “cognitive edge,” “meatfluence
Kombucha –
A fizzy, fermented tea beverage consumed primarily by startup founders trying to pivot from burnout to gut health. Said to improve digestion, mental clarity, and your ability to hold meetings inside hammocks. Definitely an acquired taste (such as for quinoa or rotten herring).
L
LTV – Lifetime Value –
The theoretical amount a customer will spend before they ghost you, sue you, or die. Inflate generously on pitch decks.
M
Managed Decline —
The process of watching an institution rot while pretending everything’s fine. Common in legacy media, higher ed, and your uncle’s startup. “Managed” means no one gets fired yet; “decline” means everyone knows the vibes are terminal.
Managed Risk Transfer —
A corporate strategy wherein liabilities are elegantly kicked down the road—or offloaded entirely onto unsuspecting third parties, taxpayers, or interns. Think of it as insurance fraud’s polite cousin. Often bundled into PowerPoint decks next to phrases like “strategic synergy” and “selective stakeholder buy-in.” Best served with plausible deniability.
Market Valuation —
The estimated worth of a company, based on factors like its stock price or funding rounds. In the grift world, it’s an artificial number that can be easily inflated by hype, projections, and media coverage, often detached from the company’s real performance.
Market Validation —
The act of testing a product or service in the market to ensure that there is a real demand for it. Typically involves gathering feedback from early customers or users. In the grift world, market validation is often a buzzword used to justify a questionable product by claiming customer interest without real proof.
Micromanage —
To control every part of a task or project, even those areas that are usually handled by others, often to the point of interference or inefficiency. Micromanaging is typically a sign of insecurity and a lack of trust in team members' abilities.
Middleware —
Software that connects other software. Technically useful, spiritually boring. Middleware companies often rebrand as “AI infrastructure pioneers” to justify a $40M seed round.
In pitch decks: “We’re not middleware—we’re a neuro-synthetic orchestration layer for frictionless value transfer.”
Translation: Middleware.
MLM (Multi Level Marketing) —
A legally tolerated pyramid scheme with better branding and worse leggings. In an MLM, the product (e.g., essential oils, meal shakes, off-brand skincare, "spiritual wellness" jewelry) is incidental — the real goal is recruiting friends, family, and eventually strangers into the same scheme so they can buy the product and also recruit others. Rinse, repeat, resent.
Business Model:
You pay to join. You buy a “starter kit” filled with hope, hype, and $800 worth of stuff you’ll never sell. You’re told to “be your own boss” but quickly become a warehouse manager for unsold collagen powder and a part-time cult recruiter with a Canva addiction.Your income? Mostly theoretical. Your job title? “Independent Vision Partner Elite Diamond Legacy Queen.” Your upline? A stay-at-home CEO-influencer named Ashleigh who once went viral for misquoting Oprah.
Moat –
The imaginary force field that makes your startup “un-disruptable.” Can refer to patents, user lock-in, proprietary data, or simply a founder’s self-regard. Investors love moats because it lets them pretend this isn’t just capitalism playing dress-up in a hoodie.
Used in a sentence: “What’s your moat?” “Glad you asked. We call it PromptNet™—a recursive prompt injection engine disrupting semantic latency across verticalized synergies.”
N
NDA – Non-Disclosure Agreement –
A legal muzzle for people you don't trust but still want to overshare with.
Neoliberal –
A person, policy, or economic religion that worships at the altar of free markets, small government, and large corporate donations. Believes every social issue can be solved with a tax incentive and every public institution should be a freemium app. Responsible for the phrase “we can’t afford that” being applied exclusively to healthcare, housing, and hope.
NFT – Non-Fungible Token –
A JPEG you overpaid for during a manic episode and now pretend is “digital art” while praying no one checks your wallet. (Non-refundable.)
O
P
Pivot –
A desperate rebrand of failure as innovation. The startup equivalent of “I meant to do that.”
Private-Public Partnership –
A delightful euphemism for taxpayer-funded corporate feudalism. See also: “Managed Risk Transfer,” “Strategic Disempowerment.”
Product-Market Fit –
When someone accidentally pays you. Celebrate. Then raise prices immediately.
Q
R
Retcons –
Retroactive Continuity. The fine art of rewriting your past to fit your present narrative. Used by comic books, founders, and frauds alike. Example: “We didn’t fail — we always intended to pivot into a premium AI fax machine startup.”
Runway –
The number of months until your company crashes into the financial ocean. Your co-founder will call it “a growth challenge.” (See the Griftopedia Weekly article for more information.)
S
SaaS – Software as a Service –
A website with a login page. Customers are often charged monthly so they forget they subscribed. Your entire business model if you lack imagination.
SAFE (Simple Agreement for Future Equity) –
n. – A legally binding promise that says, “We’ll give you equity someday, probably, assuming we still exist.” Popular because it’s fast, vague, and sounds friendlier than it is.
Scalable –
A term often used in business and startups to describe the potential for growth and expansion. A scalable business model or product can handle increased demand without a proportional increase in costs or resources. Often used as a buzzword to make underdeveloped ideas seem more promising.
Side Hustle –
A full-time job you don’t tell the IRS about. Usually involves crypto, Etsy, or “dropshipping spiritual tools.”
SPAC – Special Purpose Acquisition Company –
A blank-check company that allows your startup to go public without pesky things like profit, product, or paperwork. Vegas for VCs.
SPV –
n. – Special Purpose Vehicle. A disposable legal entity used to isolate risk, hide debt, or raise money without dirtying the parent company’s hands. The financial equivalent of putting your sins in a gift box and mailing it to Delaware.
Strategic Disempowerment –
A highly effective governance technique where institutions outsource authority while pretending to retain control. Often includes decentralization theater, meaningless public comment periods, and interactive dashboards no one understands. Goal: to appear democratic while making sure nothing changes. It’s not sabotage if you call it a “pilot program.”
Synergy –
n. – The thing consultants whisper when they’re about to fire half your team and call it growth. A fictional force that allegedly emerges when two bloated organizations merge and instantly become worse together.
Bonus use: Also a great Scrabble word if your soul is already gone.
T
TAM (Total Addressable Market) —
A theoretical market size that includes everyone on Earth, regardless of relevance or interest. Invented to justify your bloated Series A and to explain why your dog-walking SaaS has a $400 billion valuation.
Technical Debt –
The sloppy code, duct-taped features, and “we’ll fix it later” lies that accumulate in a product like mold in a startup fridge. Usually repaid in user rage, midnight outages, and engineer breakdowns. (See also the Griftopedia Weekly article for more information.)
Tech Stack –
Whatever programming languages you pretend to know. Just say “React, Node, GPT-4” and change the subject.
TEDx –
TED’s illegitimate offspring. Usually hosted in a strip mall yoga studio with talks like "Unleash Your Inner Fungi" and "Scaling Empathy with Agile Methods." The 'x' stands for "experimental," but might as well mean "existential crisis."
Tokenomics –
The imaginary math behind imaginary money. A blend of “token” and “economics,” this field attempts to justify the existence of crypto schemes using complex charts, circular logic, and vibes. If your startup needs “tokenomics,” it’s not a business—it’s a cult with better.
Toxic Positivity –
The weaponization of cheerfulness. A corporate strategy where every layoff is a “restructuring opportunity” and every failure is a “growth moment.” Used to gaslight employees into smiling while being squeezed like stress balls shaped like logos.
TPM – Thoughts Per Minute –
Not real, but sounds impressive in job interviews. Use this when you want to sound like you're optimized for hustle.
Traction –
A vague term investors pretend means progress. Can be faked with screenshots, bots, or your cousin’s credit card.
U
Uber –
(1) A ride-hailing app that disrupted taxis by underpaying drivers and setting VC money on fire.
(2) To Uber: To build a business by ignoring regulations until it’s too big to stop.
Unicorn –
A startup valued at over $1 billion. You’ll never be one. But feel free to pretend you're "pre-corn" for now.
Upward Delegation –
A management maneuver where work is kicked up the chain instead of down. Typically performed by mid-tier grifters who avoid responsibility by “looping in leadership” and “escalating for visibility.” Also known as the Reverse Shirk.
Uroboros —
You know, it’s that picture of a snake eating it’s own tail as a “emblem of wholeness or invinity” or in the business context “imminent apocalypse”.
V
Vaporware –
A product that exists only in pitch decks, press releases, and the fever dreams of venture capitalists. Often announced to deter competitors, raise funding, or distract from legal inquiries. Warning: may never materialize in this or any timeline.
Vibe –
A feeling, a moment, an energy. Cannot be defined, only monetized. If you can't describe your product, call it a "vibe."
W
Web3 –
The decentralized future of the internet, brought to you by centralized VCs, fake scarcity, and broken Discord servers.
WeWork –
Startup cult disguised as a co-working space scam. Promised to "elevate the world's consciousness," delivered unpaid leases, IPO carnage, and a barefoot CEO with messiah delusions.
Work-Backwards Culture –
A productivity cult that starts with a deadline and reverse-engineers a plan to hit it, regardless of feasibility, sanity, or physics. Origin: Amazon. Side effects include burnout, panic sprints, and existential clarity at 3AM.
X
X –
Twitter. ‘Nuff said.
Y
Z
Zero-Knowledge Proof –
In cryptography, a way to prove something is true without revealing why. In corporate culture, a way to deliver confident PowerPoints about metrics no one can verify. Also describes 74% of tech discussion panels.
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⚠️ Disclaimer:
This glossary, like the rest of our content, is satire. It’s not advice, mentorship, investment guidance, or any kind of emotionally safe space. It’s a flaming cocktail of comedy, critique, and capitalistic chaos.
If you cite this glossary in a board meeting, job interview, or IRS audit, that’s on you.
Also, please don’t do ketamine because a glossary told you to.