Class of 2025: Please Clap.
To the Class of 2025, Spacklethorp University of Disruptive Holistics™
Commencement Address by Riggs D. Thermonucleon, Thought Leader Emeritus of Nothing in Particular
Honorary Doctor of Situational Ethics, Riggs University (Unaccredited)
[Location: Gymnatorium of Spacklethorp University of Disruptive Holistics™]
🎓 Sponsored by Monster Energy, Robinhood, and at least one indicted crypto DAO.
Good morning, graduates…
…faculty, student loan officers disguised as relatives, and whichever parents had to sell a kidney so their kid could major in Digital Brand Empowerment with a minor in Podcast Theory.
Let me begin with the traditional words of any respected commencement speaker:
This is mostly your fault.
The Value of a Modern Degree
You’ve spent four years absorbing knowledge, building community, and mastering the fine art of crafting grammatically incorrect Instagram infographics. You now hold a degree that, when printed on the right linen stock, can still be used to get 10% off your first gig-economy shift, or, more respectably, your next Chipotle Burrito Bowl.
Sure, your diploma may not guarantee a job, but it does guarantee you a lifetime of unsolicited alumni donation requests and emails about "networking mixers" hosted at abandoned Panera Bread locations.
Student Debt Is Character
Let’s talk about your greatest post-grad asset: Debt. Not financial debt—no, no. Emotional debt.
You owe your parents.
You owe your professors.
You owe society.
You owe Sallie Mae.
And above all, you owe the algorithm your continued attention.
The Job Market Awaits (and It’s Feral)
You’ll now enter a job market more confusing than a Co-Star compatibility reading. One where:
AI is replacing entry-level jobs faster than you can say “pivot to content strategy.”
Your first boss might be a 14-year-old YouTube millionaire.
And every role requires 3–5 years of experience doing things that didn’t exist last year.
The good news? Titles are made up, and therefore, so are the qualifications.
Be loud, be vague, be on Slack at all hours.
That's leadership.
Advice You Can’t Put on a Vision Board
I am often asked by new graduates (following mild coercion), “What is your secret to professional success?”
I tell them…
“It’s simple…
Fail often. But in public. Make it content.
Network horizontally. It’s cheaper than therapy and better for optics.
Don't find your passion—rent it hourly.
If someone says “We’re like a family,” ask who’s getting cut out of the will.
If your company says it’s “mission-driven,” assume the mission is tax fraud.
And remember: Every moment you’re not monetizing your personality, someone less interesting is.”
And then, I hand them an invoice for advisory services delivered, due on demand, no terms, no credit.
Post-Graduate Realism: A Brief Horror Interlude
Most importantly, know that having graduated, you’ve made it. Degree in hand, family slightly drunk with pride, Instagram story filter at maximum saturation.
And now?
Now life is standing across from you like a feral Chupacabra, a Deloitte lanyard round its neck, licking its teeth, ready to rip into the tender, vulnerable flesh of your freshly certified self-worth.
The economy doesn’t care what your major was.
The job market thinks your diploma is a Pokémon card.
Your landlord just raised rent because Mercury is in retrograde.
It’s okay. Breathe.
Because here's the thing no one tells you during the commencement slideshow of baby photos and Enya soundtrack:
You’re never too old to keep learning.
Especially if learning means postponing reality just a little longer.
Why face accountability when you could enroll in something slightly more expensive and significantly less useful?
Because the education system has failed you, and because some wounds need to be unlearned, we proudly announce...
Introducing Riggs University™
Here at Riggs University, we believe debt builds grit. And if grit doesn’t pay off? That’s what NFT-based hardship grants are for.
Riggs U offers a post-graduate program where the curriculum includes:
How to Weaponize Vibes in a Recession
Intro to Exit Scams (with Lab)
Disruptive Gaslighting 201
And our signature seminar: “Fake It Till You File Chapter 11.”
Wait list for the Fall Semester attendance is open. Apply today with three fake references and a loose understanding of copyright.
Closing Thoughts
So, Class of 2025: as you throw your caps in the air and begin your journey toward professional disillusionment, always remember the most important lesson of all:
Reality is optional. Branding is forever.
Please clap.
–Riggs D. Thermonucleon, MFA, WTF, Esq. (Almost)
Founder, Chancellor, and Conspirator-in-Chief
Riggs University
BONUS FEATURE: “Diplomas Are for Cowards”
Download your official Riggs University Certificate of Disruptive Accomplishment™, printed in Comic Sans on digital vellum, and suitable for framing, shredding, or submitting to a job at X (formerly Twitter).
Latin Motto: “Ignorantia Est Potentia Monetaria”
(“Ignorance is Monetizable Power”)
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⚠️ LEGAL and ACCREDITATION DISCLAIMER
This commencement speech is not accredited, legally binding, or spiritually helpful. Riggs University is not real (yet, but we ARE actually working on it for reals), but the pain is. Please consult an actual adult before acting on anything we say. If your student debt lasts longer than four decades, consult a bartender.
Having trouble with Post-Graduation Depression?
Tough darts. Check out our Grifter’s Glossary for more demented ideas.