Griftopedia: Dynamic Pricing — How to Charge More for the Same Crap
A definitive encyclopedia entry on surge pricing, algorithmic greed, and the sacred art of selling people their own desperation at a markup
By Prof. Reeve Bellows, Ph.D (Provably Deranged)
With marginalia from Riggs D. Thermonucleon, who scribbled “THIS IS EVIL, I LOVE IT” in the margins.
Preface: The Holy Doctrine of Charging Extra
Dynamic pricing — also known as yield management, surge pricing, demand-based pricing, real-time gouging, and “your Uber ride is now $97, good luck” — represents the apex of modern capitalism.
It is the process by which corporations:
monitor your behavior
predict your desperation
calculate the exact moment you will cave
and then charge you the maximum possible amount
for the exact same product they were selling five minutes ago.
In business school, this is taught as “revenue optimization.”
In real life, it is taught as “Mom, why is this flight $1,200 now?”
Bellows’ Official Griftopedia Definition
Dynamic Pricing
A mathematically justified emotional shakedown in which prices fluctuate based on demand, urgency, user data, and the company’s appetite for moral landscaping.
It is capitalism’s version of mood lighting.
But instead of seducing you…
It financially ruins you.
Gently.
A Brief (Totally Accurate) History
Dynamic pricing originated in the 1970s airline industry, when deregulation allowed carriers to experiment with new pricing models. Historians credit American Airlines’ yield-management team, who discovered something profound:
“People will pay anything to not sit in the middle seat.”
This pricing philosophy spread quickly:
Hotels adopted it.
Rental car companies ritualized it.
Sports teams embraced it.
TicketMaster colonized it.
Uber baptized it in gasoline and human sorrow.
And now, in our current era, even your grocery store practices dynamic pricing. Yes—those digital shelf tags aren’t for decoration. They’re quietly watching you age.
The Core Principles of Dynamic Pricing (Bellows’ Academic Breakdown)
To practice dynamic pricing, one must master four essential equations:
1. D = V × U × P
Desperation = Value × Urgency × Panic
(Bellows insists this formula belongs in the DSM.)
2. PF = (WTP – G) / C
Price Flex = (Willingness to Pay – Guilt) ÷ Conscience
Conscience is often negligible. CEO-grade = 0.
3. Surge Threshold Index
Prices increase the moment three conditions are met:
You need something immediately
You’re tired
Your alternatives suck
4. The Exploitation Window
Moments when buyers have no choice.
Examples include:
bad weather
last-minute flights
scarcity hype
drunks leaving stadiums
a San Francisco parking garage at 2 AM
any Taylor Swift ticket release
The Four Sacred Models of Dynamic Pricing
★ 1) Surge Pricing (Uber, Lyft, Hell Itself)
Demand goes up → price goes up.
Demand goes way up → price skyrockets.
Demand collapses → price mysteriously stays the same.
Riggs notes:
“Surge pricing is like a cover charge for existing.”
★ 2) Time-Based Pricing (Hotels, Airlines, Hospitals, Your Therapist Soon)
Prices fluctuate based on timing.
Holidays, weekends, large sporting events?
Enjoy paying triple for your emotional baggage.
★ 3) Geo-Based Pricing (AKA ‘Neighborhood Tax’)
Companies charge different prices depending on zip code.
Because nothing says “equality” like paying a premium for living near a Whole Foods.
★ 4) Personalized Pricing (Welcome to the Algorithm’s Wet Dream)
This is the final frontier — each person receives a unique price based on their data profile.
What is your “price tolerance”?
Amazon knows.
So does Google.
So does TikTok.
Your fridge is next.
Bellows calls this “bespoke financial oppression.”
Case Studies in Algorithmic Greed
1. Airlines: Emotional Extortion at 30,000 Feet
Dynamic pricing made airfare unpredictable, surreal, and vaguely threatening.
One minute: $249
Next minute: $729
Two minutes later:
“Price changed while you were typing your middle initial.”
Airlines deny exploiting desperation.
Yet mysteriously, the moment your boss emails “Can you fly out Monday?”
— the price doubles.
2. Uber: Surge Pricing at the End Times
You know the drill:
Storms, concerts, Friday nights, Tuesday mornings, any moments involving human movement…
→ Surge.
Riggs reminds us:
“If it’s raining, your wallet is crying with you.”
3. Theme Parks: The Mouse Will Milk You Dry
Disney pioneered “peak day pricing,” where tickets fluctuate depending on crowd levels.
Bellows calls it:
“Sentiment-driven taxation for adults who insist on meeting a rodent.”
4. E-Commerce: Amazon Knows When You’re Weak
You return to an item after hesitating the night before.
The price magically increased by $4.19.
Coincidence?
No. It’s you.
You’re the product.
Consumer Psychology: Why We Keep Falling for It
1. FOMO
Scarcity compels purchasing.
Dynamic pricing simulates scarcity even when warehouses overflow.
2. Anchoring Bias
Inflate price → discount it → call it “savings.”
You paid more.
3. Urgency Response
A countdown timer is digital cortisol.
4. Self-Delusion
Consumers convince themselves:
“I’m gaming the system.”
You are not.
You are the gamed.
Riggs’ Guide to Dynamic Pricing Terms (Translated)
Demand curve: graph of your emotional volatility
Load balancing: charging you more when servers are cranky
Inventory management: hiding products so they seem rare
Algorithmic fairness: LOL
User segmentation: sorting victims by profitability
Peak optimization: the moment greed hits hydration levels
Bellows’ Warning From the Future
Dynamic pricing is metastasizing.
Soon:
Your morning coffee will cost more when you look sleepy
Your rent will fluctuate based on your credit score
Streaming services will raise prices mid-episode
Tolls will adjust dynamically when your car shakes
Your therapist will charge more when you cry too early in the session
We are approaching a world where every price is fluid, floating, shimmering like a mirage in the desert of capitalism.
In the end, dynamic pricing reveals one truth:
People don’t pay for value.
They pay for the absence of pain.
And companies know exactly how much your pain is worth.
🏫 Enroll in Riggs University
Headline: Surge-Priced Education for a Fixed Cost (Miraculous!)
Learn the economics behind modern corporate manipulation before you become another data point in someone’s pricing model.
Start with Business 101: Business and Economics for the Bold and Brazen.
It’ll make you smarter — or at least harder to exploit.
💸 Support This Grift
Headline: Our Pricing Is Static. Our Desperation Is Not.
Dynamic pricing is for airlines and emotionally abusive apps.
Support False Positive Labs and enjoy a rare, ancient relic: a predictable contribution that keeps our interns fed and our satire savage.
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📰 Subscribe to the Daily Dystopia
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No fluctuations. No countdown timers. Just premium-grade mischief.
🔗 Share the Surge
Headline: Forward This to a Friend Who Paid $87 for an Uber Last Night
Share this article with someone in your network who needs to understand they’re not unlucky — they’re part of a business model.
📚 Consult the Grifter’s Glossary
Headline: Decode the Differential of Doom
From “yield management” to “price discrimination,” visit the Grifter’s Glossary for clarity that economists refuse to provide.
⚠️ Legal-ish Disclaimer
Headline: All Prices Subject to Chaos
This article is satire.
False Positive Labs does not encourage manipulation, gouging, or real-time emotional arbitrage.
If you attempt to use dynamic pricing in personal relationships (“your apology is now $49.95”), that is between you and your therapist.
Optional Riggsified Footnotes
Yield Management: The sacred practice of squeezing revenue like an orange until the pulp cries.
Price Discrimination: Charging different people different amounts based on their likelihood of screaming.
Demand Curve: The emotional roller coaster companies ride to decide how hard to squeeze your wallet.
Revenue Optimization: Greed dressed up for a TED Talk.
Ready for the next week’s lineup, or do you want pitches first?