How to Monetize Illness Without Getting Caught
The secret art of profiting off people’s suffering, corporate-style.
By Riggs D. Thermonucleon, Head of Economic Dysentery
Editor’s Note: This week we have a two-parter related to healthcare and more importantly, how to monetize it! (Natch!) Look for the companion article to today’s to show up in your in-box this Friday: Tech Bros vs. Human Bodies: The Startup of Suffering. Yes you too can capitalize on human suffering. Why not? All the kook kids are doing it!
Epilogue
Picture this: You’re a mid-level employee chained to a cubicle, working the golden handcuffs known as “health insurance.” You pay into the system, diligently deducting premiums from your paycheck, all so that when you inevitably get sick, you’ll—maybe—get covered. And what happens when you need treatment? Cue the corporate magic trick: Delay, Deny, Defend.
Welcome to the health insurance industry, a world where human suffering is a revenue stream and your CEO’s yacht is the ultimate KPI. UnitedHealth Group, for example, has been perfecting this art for decades. In the immortal words scrawled on spent cartridges outside a Midtown hotel last December—delay, deny, depose—the industry codifies its approach to “controlling costs.” Translation: maximize profit while hoping patients either give up or shuffle off this mortal coil.
Here’s how you to can profit off of the suffering of others…the ultimate grift!
Procedure 1: Hook Them With “Coverage”
Start with the bait: the promise of protection. Offer “plans” so labyrinthine, your average human brain (and even the latest AI release) can’t parse them. Throw in phrases like network tiers, pre-authorization, and co-pays to simulate legitimacy. Employees will feel safe—chained, even—while you quietly bank billions.
Procedure 2: Perfect the Art of Delay
When claims roll in, delay them. “Pending review,” “incomplete documentation,” “additional information required.” Every form letter is a masterstroke in psychological manipulation. Your patients will call, email, and eventually… give up. Meanwhile, your quarterly earnings report reads like poetry: operating margins: robust.
Procedure 3: Deny, With Style
When delay no longer suffices, deny. Denial letters should be written in the authoritative tone of a law firm that went bankrupt in 1992. Make them confusing, intimidating, and full of references to clauses no one has read since the Reagan administration. This is the pièce de résistance: your golden claim of “cost control” while pocketing millions.
Procedure 4: Defend Like a CEO
Finally, defend your empire. Public relations is key. When a story hits the media, pivot to euphemisms: “We are committed to responsible healthcare delivery.” “Patient-first approach.” “Stakeholder value.” In practice, you’ve defended your bonus while the insured wonder if healthcare is a privilege or a cruel joke.
Procedure 5: Optional—Depose
As history shows, sometimes even these elegant techniques fail. Brian Thompson, former CEO of UnitedHealthcare, learned the hard way. In a shocking Midtown incident in December 2024, someone took exception to the industry’s modus operandi, leaving a message on the spent shell casings: delay, deny, depose. While we do not condone vigilante justice, the symbolism is… apt.
Procedure 6: Scale Your Grift
Once you’ve mastered monetizing illness at one company, scale it. Merge, acquire, and consolidate. The larger the pool, the fatter the profits. Claim innovation when you automate denials with AI. Claim social responsibility when you deny claims at machine speed. This is grift 2.0: human suffering, systematized, industrialized, monetized.
Procedure 7: Wash, Rinse, Repeat
Every new CEO brings a fresh PR slogan, every new policy tweak promises better “patient outcomes,” and every new quarter delivers more shareholder wealth. The patient? Left in the waiting room. The moral compass? Optional.
Prognosis:
Healthcare insurance, at scale, isn’t about keeping people healthy—it’s about keeping their money flowing while preserving the illusion of security. If you can master Delay, Deny, Defend, you too can turn misery into margin. Bonus: occasional media coverage will make you look like an industry savant.
Remember, money never gets sick.
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All The Fine Print
Not sure what “Delay, Deny, Defend” means—or need a refresher on corporate euphemisms? Consult the Grifter’s Glossary.
WARNING
This article contains 100% satire, albeit bad satire. Any attempt to equate this information with financial, legal, medical, or ethical advice will be denied, demoralized and deleted. Following these steps in real life may result in karmic repercussions, subpoenas, or a lengthy prison sentence.