Tesla Recall Arbitrage: How to Get Rich Off Other People’s Death Machines
If you’re gonna die, I’m gonna monetize.
By Riggs D. Thermonucleon, Esq., CPA (Crisis Profiteering Associate)
Chief Disruption Officer, False Positive Labs
If you’ve ever driven past yet another smoldering heap of Tesla and thought, “I bet someone’s about to get paid,” congratulations — you might be scum, but you’re also our target audience.
Today’s guide is a how-to manual for a little-known but wildly lucrative hustle we call Recall Arbitrage™: turning vehicle recalls, manufacturer screw-ups, and “unplanned rapid disassemblies” into cashable events.
Because when other people’s lives are flashing before their eyes, your Venmo should be flashing green.
Step One: Acquire a Rolling Lawsuit
First, you’re going to need a defective vehicle. Preferably one with a corporate logo and a CEO who live-tweets rocket fuel. That’s right — it’s Tesla time.
Recent models offer:
Self-driving software that occasionally drives into walls.
Odometers that lie (because warranty fraud is a feature, not a bug).
Glued-on body panels (yes, glued).
And everyone’s favorite: the Cybertruck, aka The Aluminum Casket.
Find one at auction. Use phrases like “salvage title” and “minor battery fire” to negotiate.
Pro tip: The more charred the exterior, the stronger your case for psychological trauma later.
Step Two: Rig Your Dashcam for Maximum Litigation
Tesla’s internal cameras already record you picking your nose. But we can do better.
Create a dashcam narrative:
Angle 1: Your reaction. You need a sincere gasp and a shaky voiceover like, “Oh no, not again.”
Angle 2: A friend pretending to be your child in the backseat. (The court loves kids.)
Angle 3: A secondary cam facing the pedals. For proving “it wasn’t me, it was Elon.”
Once staged, drive around until the car misbehaves. It will.
Then immediately upload to TikTok with the caption:
“This Could’ve Been Worse. It Was Just My Dog’s Life.” #autopilotfail #teslagate #lawsuitincoming
Step Three: Initiate The Grievance Cascade™
You now have:
A malfunctioning vehicle
A tragic narrative arc
Possibly a dead or frightened house pet*
*If you don’t have a pet, or are a bit squeamish, you can simulate a deceased animal companion by taking a photo of it sleeping, then applying the “carrion” filter or strategic AI prompt in Photoshop or your favoriate Large Language Model app to get realistic results.
Begin the Triple Threat:
Insurance Fraud Lite™ – Claim emotional trauma, vehicular sabotage, or spontaneous combustion. Make sure to mention “AI gone rogue” to confuse adjusters.
Lawsuit Positioning – File preemptive claims of “unsafe at any speed.” Bonus points for attaching shaky cam footage dubbed with dramatic music.
Class Action Parasite Protocol – Lurk on Reddit or X (formerly Twitter) for ongoing class actions, then insert yourself like a litigation barnacle.
Example script: “I too nearly died when my Model Y locked me inside during a dust storm in Fresno.”
Step Four: Strip for Parts, Profit Like Satan
Can’t sue fast enough? Part it out.
Tesla owners are a cult, and cultists always need rare relics. Consider:
Touchscreens with a bit of carbon scoring (“Apocalyptic aesthetic!”)
Charging cables (“Slightly melted, still vibes.”)
Wheels (“Gently used. Only two detached while driving.” Bonus if half of the axle is still attched.)
Body Panels those suckers slough off like dandruff: always in demand, always a high margin item.
Flip parts on Electric Vehicle (EV) collector forums or Facebook Marketplace with descriptions like:
“One-of-a-kind artifact from the Cybertruck Beta Program. May or may not retain residual software aggression.”
Bonus Round: Fake EV Influencer for Early Defect Intel
Want to get ahead of the next mass recall? Easy.
Just become an EV Influencer. Yes, you.
Step 1: Buy a Ring Light and Lie
Film videos with thumbnails like:
“Tesla Software Update 69.420 DESTROYED My Brakes?!?!”
“My Car Drove Into My Ex’s House… and I Forgave It.”
Step 2: Ask for Free Test Drives
Direct Message to smaller dealerships posing as a micro-influencer.
Quote your "audience reach" as:
“Cross-platform impressions exceeding 75K monthly.”
(Don’t mention they’re mostly bots and disgraced NFT bros.)
Step 3: Mine the comments
Your viewers — and fellow lunatics — will supply you with:
Weird noises they’re hearing
New bugs in beta releases
Photos of their wheels leaving their cars mid-highway
Aggregate that chaos into a spreadsheet. Sell it to lawyers, or use it to make your next dashcam hit.
Expert Tip: Monetize Recalls Like a Thought Leader
Want to turn this into a recurring revenue stream?
Package your journey as an online course:
“RECALL RICHES™: How to Crash, Cry, and Collect”
Includes:
6 downloadable lawsuit templates
4 bonus trauma storylines (choose your own adventure)
1 Photoshop file to simulate airbag bruising (or afore mentioned pet carcass pics).
Charge $297.
Offer a free ebook titled “Zero to Fireball: How My Tesla Changed My Life (and Spine)”
Legal Loophole Hall of Fame: Tesla Edition
Just so you know it’s not just you:
2.4M Teslas recalled for Autopilot defects (no, for reals!)
Cybertruck recall for “unintended acceleration” (read: surprise joyrides)
Odometer fraud lawsuits alleging early warranty expiration via code manipulation (it’s not fraud, it’s function!)
Body panel adhesives that didn’t meet heat resistance standards — in a car meant for the desert (Glue… welding… what’s the difference?)
Unplanned Disassemblies™, aka “exploding battery encores” (Tip: Don’t drive in drought stricken areas.)
You’re not exploiting anything new. You’re just quicker on the grift.
Subscribe or Spontaneously Combust
Love the thrill of monetizing catastrophe? You belong with us.
Subscribe to False Positive Labs™ for more startup crimes, side-hustle delusions, and wealth strategies only a sociopath could love.
Paid subscribers may also get access to:
The Lawsuit-in-a-Box Toolkit™
Bonus footage: “Riggs Tries to Return a Smoldering Cybertruck to Hertz”
Early access to next week’s How to Fail: “Pre-IPO Panic Attacks as a Monetization Strategy”
Don’t Just Lurk—Enable Us.
You’ve read this far. Might as well finance the next descent into ethical depravity.
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⚠️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
This article is satire. If you take legal advice from a man named Riggs D. Thermonucleon, you deserve the class action that’s coming for you. Nothing here constitutes financial, legal, or automotive advice. Do not burn your car on purpose. Instead, do it in a fit of rage like a normal person.
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